Relationships and Self Practice: Part 2

By Tara McGee, MSW, RSW, Dip TIRP

Psychotherapist, OCSWSSW

Yoga Therapist, IAYT

The Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali states that, “Practice is basically the correct effort required to move toward, reach, and maintain the state of Yoga [the ability to consciously direct the mind, instead of responding with unconscious patterns]. It is only when the correct practice is followed for a long time, without interruption and with a quality of positive attitude and eagerness, that it can succeed” (Sutra 1.13 and 1.14, translation from TKV Desikachar, The Heart of Yoga).

Let’s break this down in the context of relationships:

1. Correct practice means that we have wisely chosen a practice that will suit our current developmental situation, our constitution, and our psychology and is going to efficiently move us forward and bring us to the destination we desire (such as someone who can stay calm and use their voice when their partner is triggering them and they are falling into old patterns). Often, discovering this practice ourselves can be very difficult. This is because:

• We likely see ourselves through the same eyes or “parts” of ourselves that are causing the pattern that responds to the trigger. If we try to develop a practice from the same part of ourselves that created the problem, it is unlikely that we will come to a new outcome.
• We don’t know what a practice is or even that there are practices that could help.
• Because we don’t know what a practice is, we use a mechanized approach from a book that is not attuned to us, does not know us, and is designed for the general public.
• We don’t have the experience with the tools and techniques to know which ones to choose, in which order and at what rate to progressively adapt them to help us walk further down the path.
• We choose random practices that we may find on the internet or that someone else does that may not be suitable for us or our goals.
• Correct practice means we adjust it as we progress – otherwise, we would just be walking in place and staying at the same point but with a lot of unnecessary sweat!

2. A long time: Once we have a “correct” practice, we can’t just do the practice once a week for 5 minutes and expect our nervous system to change. If you are 35 years old, it is likely that your system has been practicing its unconscious reaction for 35 years. This means you have a lot of catching up to do to create a new pattern that would result in better outcomes in our relationships.

A long time really means forever. It doesn’t mean that we won’t have significant gains along the way, however, to achieve the ability to direct the mind in a sustained way in the direction of responding calmly to something that once triggered us, we probably have a long journey ahead. This journey will likely involve many different practices because the practices change as we evolve, and it may involve many different teachers and healers along the way. There would likely be short-term, more achievable goals, and then the long-term goal of being able to direct the mind even when triggered, rather than the mind going into old unconscious patterns, would remain the same.

So as you can see, being in a long-term, committed relationship with someone else requires that you are in a long-term, committed relationship with your self. To be in a long-term committed relationship with your self means that you have a lot of unconscious reactions to bring to the conscious level and then to develop a practice that will help you to respond differently.

When you are annoyed by your partner, that annoyance is felt inside your body and inside your mind; it is yours. As Victor Frankl reminds us, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves”. Both people in any relationship would do well to do this personal work if they want to reap the rewards of being with the other person. From my observation, when one person is not ready to or chooses not to do their own personal development work, or to do it at a less committed level, this is when long-term, committed relationships lose their lustre and often end. That is a possibility too – it’s ok if you choose to end a relationship that is no longer sustainable or is unhealthy. On the other hand, if you want to try to build and maintain an equal, caring relationship, build and maintain yourself first. Then, see where you end up, what new choices you start to make, how those choices affect how you feel in the relationship, and how your partner responds to your new ways of being. You may find yourself feeling even closer to the other person, and you may find yourself even further apart. You may find you are no longer a fit, or that because you have changed, you fit even better – we can’t know what the destination feels like until we arrive, but the self is always the goal.

So, have some courage and get a teacher, a therapist, or a healer whom you trust, who is doing their own healing work on themselves, and who is at least a bit ahead of you on their path, and get going on your own practice. There is a world of healing possibilities awaiting you and your relationship as you begin your practice of deepening your connection to your self.